Why

Dear Sailor,

Why?

Why?

Why?

Three times I asked myself. For days, anger filled me completely. Fuming out in every character left. But, the days calmed me down. Maybe it’s true that wounds do heal in time. I can say that at the least, but the wounds are still fresh inside.

Don’t tell your confidants that I was not understanding. I gave you a fast boat to cross a small lake, yet you still failed to cross it. And now you’re showing to my face the lakes you’ve crossed. It’s disappointing really.

How come you could cross other lakes but completely forget our lake. I was on the other side, waiting for you. I shouted for the first time and you shouted back, and so for the second time. But on the third time, it was silence.

While I was waiting on the other side, I saw you cross other lakes and you did it effortlessly. I was there, standing on the rock, watching you row the boat that is far smaller and slower compared to the one I provided.

I’m not after the boat. I don’t care about it. The damage has been done. All I wanted was a sincere explanation and not a blue check. I was left on the other side of the lake without an assurance if ever you’ll return. It was made at arms-length.

Regardless, I am not a waiting person. I don’t like long lines in the grocery. Therefore, I made a decision for myself alone. I assumed that probably you already made an implied decision to purposely forget our lake and cross other lakes instead. Thus, to reduce the amount of stress this has brought to my short life, I decided to end everything in the lake.

The lake is a witness how you intentionally splattered in my face the lakes you’ve crossed without even telling me why you couldn’t cross our lake, amid the faster and bigger boat I’ve provided. It’s done.

To be honest, you have been a blessing in my life, but also a burden. You were a gain, but also a loss. But, the losses are too big to mitigate. Even the gains can’t offset the losses you’ve contributed to my life. Maybe I was the one to be blamed. I tend to be vulnerable to the people I trust completely.

When a business is operating at a loss, perhaps it’s time to file bankruptcy. Our relationship has not yielded profits during the past periods and we never managed to at least operate a breakeven. I will close this business. I will end this relationship. It’s not hard for me to do that just so you know.

I’ve been thinking about every time you acted selfishly, but I chose to hold on because I still believe in second chances. However, the second became third, the third became fourth, and so on. I’ve invested so much in this that it left me nothing. Too much investment, negative profits. What do I get in return? Unsettled liabilities.

I’ve decided. I already ended it. But, I still don’t have the strength to click that unfriend button and unfollow button. Though I already unfollowed your posts to prepare myself for seeing a news feed without your selfishness in it. Maybe in the future, I will have the courage to press that button and permanently end this. As of writing, it is done though not permanently.

With a sad heart,

EGDR

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